Hot Fuzz

For the first time ever, I got stopped by the police for doing something bad. It was so exciting!

Well, to be honest, it was a bit of a cheat, because we weren't actually doing anything bad...but they thought we were.


This happened last Thursday. We (Lobz, Phelan and me) were walking from Physics (or Geography in Phelan's case) to English Lit (or History in Lobz's case) which is on the other site. This walk involves crossing the A3 using the subway.

We'd just got to the subway, when I heard something behind us, so I looked around and saw 2 policeman coming towards us on bikes. You don't often see them on bikes around here, so I said 'Oh, look! Policemen on bikes!'. They looked round, and Phelan remarked on how they seem far sexier when they are on motorbikes, then they passed us, and we continued with the previous conversation.

When we got through to the other side of the subway, and saw them stopped at the side of the road, talking into walkie talkies. I smiled at them, and we carried on walking up the road. About 3 mins later, they caught up with us, and asked us to stop so they could talk to them. We stopped, and I assumed they were going to ask us whether we'd seen anything suspicious going on.

But one of them (blond hair, South African accent... and between you and me, kinda attractive, in a powerful, authoritative way, for an oldish [i.e. early 30s] guy) said, 'When we passed you in the subway, what were you doing?'
I said, '...Nothing....'.
Coz we weren't doing anything. Other than walking, but I thought that would kinda go without saying...

He turned to Lobz and said, 'When we cycled past you, she [he pointed at me] warned you I was coming, and you had something in your hand which you hid, what was it?!'
She is really shy, so she blushed, started trembling a bit, and whimpered, 'I wasn't holding anything', which probably made us seem even more suspicious than they already thought we were...

It was around about then that I thought I'd better take over.
So I said in my hybrid charming/innocent voice, 'She really wasn't holding anything, I promise! I did point you out to them, but only because it's a novelty to see policemen on bikes around here'
(I left out the bit about how they would be sexier if they were on motorbikes...thought I'd better not offend them....)

He said, 'Are you sure you weren't [insert obscure slang word here]?!'
I looked a bit confused, and said, 'Huh?!' (this was probably a smart move, as it made it us look innocent because we aren't down with all the drug lingo)

He said, 'I thought I saw her hide a spliff.'

I laughed.
I couldn't help it.
For those of you who don't know her, Lobz is the most law abiding person I know.
She has never even had a library fine.

He looked a bit shocked when I laughed, and then there was an awkward silence.
I composed myself, and said, 'You can search us if you like, we really have nothing to hide'. (Plus, between you and me, being searched by Blond Guy may have even been a bit....well....enjoyable.)

Another slight pause. The policemen exchanged glances.
Then Blond Guy said, 'When you saw us on our walkie talkies, we were talking to our supervisor at HQ to ask about whether we could search you.....but because we are both male, we can't do it, even though there are witnesses.....so if we believe that we have enough evidence to search you, we'll have to take you down town and get a woman to do it...'

I said, 'But then we'll miss English Lit.'

He rolled his eyes at me, and exchanged another glance with the other policeman. It was like they could communicate with eye signals or something. Secret code...

Then I said, 'Uh....are you going to arrest us or something?!'.
Blond Guy laughed, and said, 'No, we can't do that...'. Which was a bit of a relief, coz depending on what they thought we had on us, we could have ended up in one of those juvenile delinquent places or somewhere like that. And if I'm honest, I don't think I'm butch enough to survive in a rough place like that. I'd leave with permanent emotional scars...

So then, because I was so relieved, I actually started to enjoy it.
I mean, that kinda thing probably won't happen to me again.

The the other guy said, 'Well, either way, we'll need to take your details...'
He pulled out a little black notebook thing (Yeah! They still have those! Though surely in this day and age, it would be far more useful to have a Blackberry or something like that...?!).
Then he said, 'We are going to do something called a 'Stop & Search', would you like my to tell you your rights?'
I smiled and said, 'No, it's OK... we trust you!'
He looked a bit taken aback, and tried to hand me a booklet with my rights in it, but I didn't take it...

Then he said, 'Right....erm....OK... well, who wants to go first?'
I shouted, 'ME!!!! Please?! PICK MEEEEE! I WANNA GO FIRST!'.
They both looked at me. I guess they aren't used to that sort of enthusiasm...
I said, 'Sorry....It's just that this is, like, the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me in my life....'

Notebook Guy laughed, and said, 'OK, name?' I told him.
'Address?' I told him.
(And strongly resisted the urge to add, 'England, UK, Planet Earth, Milky Way etc.' on the end. That wouldn't have been helpful...)
Then he started writing my description. So he looked me up and down, and said, 'Right, brown hair, grey hoody, jeans...'.
I said, 'My shoes are pink converses, except they look more like a dirty grey now, so I dunno what you want to put for that...'. He raised his eyebrows, and wrote something down.
Then I said, 'I have green eyes'. He wrote it down.
'I'm 1.65m'. He wrote that down as well.
'I weigh 52 kg'. He sighed, and wrote it down.
I added, 'I've got size 5 feet'.
Blond Guy started laughing, and said, 'It's OK... we don't need that....'

Then he moved on to Phelan's description.

While Notebook Guy was writing her description, Blond Guy asked, 'Is this really the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you?!'
I said, 'Yeah...... well actually no. There was this other time that I got stopped by security in Abu Dhabi Airport, because my brother put a metal spud gun in my bag, and it came up on the metal detector, and they didn't really speak English, and they thought it was a real gun.....'
(I won't type the whole story because it's long, and I'm pretty sure I've put it on here before... If I haven't, tell me and I'll add it!)

He was very entertained by my story, and said, 'Wow, thats really funny! We need to think of a way for you to get revenge on your brother....' (Yes...a policeman helping me to come up with revenge ideas...)

Then Notebook Guy interrupted, and said, 'Wait, so you mean this isn't actually the most exciting moment of your life?'
He even looked genuinely disappointed.

So I said, 'Well no offence, but the airport security guys had guns, and all you have is handcuffs....'.
He nodded and said he supposed I was right.
I added, 'But this is still the second most exciting moment of my life', which put a smile back on his face.

I asked them if they had ever used guns. Blond Guy said that he'd done National Service in South Africa, and that he'd been trained to use a gun for that. Notebook Guy looked a bit shifty, like he didn't want to be out-done by Blond Guy, and said, 'I go clay pigeon shooting at the weekends'. Blond Guy laughed at him.

Then Notebook Guy changed the subject by moving on to describing Lobz. She has kinda Strawberry Blonde hair that sometimes people mistake for ginger. So he said, 'erm...how would you like me to describe your hair....is auburn alright with you?!'.
She gave him The Look, and said, 'To be honest, I don't really care'.

Then I said, 'Erm....does this mean I have a criminal record? Coz I really haven't done anything wrong...and I have a CRB check being processed at the moment.....'
Blond Guy smiled and said that it wouldn't come up on a criminal record. And then he asked how old I was. So I told him.
And then he said, 'Well, you're 18 in 6 months, so your criminal record will get wiped clean anyway'
I answered, 'Oh, OK, so basically, you're saying that I only have 6 months to do all the rest of the illegal things I've got planned....'
He smiled at me and said, 'Yeah...something like that'.

(See..... my smooth talking had got it to the point that we were now joking about me being a criminal. It's a shame I'm not a real criminal, coz I reckon I'd be really good at talking my way out of things...!)

Then we chatted for a bit longer, and eventually I said, 'Well, it's been really nice talking to you, but we don't want to be late for English Lit, so is it OK if we go now?!'
This time they both smiled, and said if was fine for us to go.

As we turned to go, I said, 'So, do you still think we have drugs?!'

Blond Guy grinned.

Typical man.... can't admit he made a mistake...

I smiled back, and said, 'Enjoy the rest of your day!'

They smiled back, hopped on their bikes, and rode off.



And that was that.

I later found out, from a friend who....uh.....used to regularly be involved in activities of questionable legality.... that they would have been community policemen, and that we weren't actually legally required to tell them our names and addresses. I found out that this friend carries one of those booklets with your rights in a 'Stop & Search' situation with him at all times.
He keeps it in his wallet.
Seriously.